I’m happy to say I’m in a bit better shape than I was last Sunday when I wrote. I’ve not had any recurring gall bladder attacks. I’ve managed to stick to this wretched diet now for 11 days, although I did have a mishap two nights ago. I was googling ‘healthy biscuits’ and read that Rich Tea biscuits are the healthiest. So I cracked open the packet and ate six in one go.. When I saw my running buddy the next day, he helpfully pointed out that they are only healthy in relation to other biscuits, they still have loads of fat in. So I was a bit annoyed at myself for this, and spent the night worrying that I was going to end up in hospital and I would have to confess I’d scoffed loads of biscuits. Anyway, it hasn’t happened so far, so I think I will be ok.
It is strange and kind of exhausting having to worry about what I’m eating all the time. I feel like I’m thinking about food every minute of the day at the minute, as if I’m hungry all the time. I have now got an appointment at the hospital for the 24th November to see the consultant, so I will know more then hopefully about when the operation is going to be.
I haven’t ran all week, which has been awful. I actually feel less mentally stable when I can’t run. This week, I’ve burst into tears at absolutely nothing about five times, which has been a bit embarrassing.
I’ve been working quite hard on PhD stuff – trying to get my head around this RD1 form that has to be handed in mid-december, probably just about the time I will be recovering from this operation! I’m really struggling with the RD1, with knowing what I want to do, with articulating what I want to do, with making it into a research project – all of it.
For the first time this week, I wondered what I was doing, starting a PhD, as in what have I let myself in for, and why did I have the cheek to think I could do a PhD? I feel like I’m just playing at doing a PhD, and soon someone will find me out and I’ll be in trouble. I guess this is what they call imposter syndrome. The logical and rational part of my brain is telling myself that this is just a wobble, that it is happening because I’m feeling vulnerable because I’ve been to hospital, because I’ve got to have an operation etc etc. But the other part of me is basically having a silent panic attack about it all.
So apart from this existential crisis about food, life and the PhD, it has been a pretty quiet week! I’ve been taking it easy, getting some work done but no physical exercise. I did my day of teaching at the uni on Thursday. I even spent a whole day where I just edited some poems, which I really enjoyed doing.
I regularly ring the hotels that I run the residentials at for a bit of a chat and a gossip with the staff. I rang Treloyhan Manor Hotel last night to see how numbers were going for St Ives. There are still 3 rooms left, and there is an option to have a non en-suite room (so with a shared bathroom) for £365. I think that is a bargain! Included in that price is breakfast, three-course meals and workshops and readings all week. An en-suite room is £420 for the week. The course is running from the 20th-25th February 2017. If you’d like to grab one of those last few places, you can book by ringing the hotel on 01736 796240. Or if you’d like more information about the theme for the week, you can have a look here. If you’d like more information about the hotel, you can have a look at the Treloyhan Manor website. The hotel is about a ten minute walk away from St Ives, and is perched on a cliff next to the sea.
In April, I’m running another residential course with Jennifer Copley as the co-tutor at Abbot Hall Hotel in Kents Bank (near Grange Over Sands). This hotel is in a beautiful location as well, on the edge of Morecombe Bay, and there is a lovely walk along the prom to Grange, which people often do in the afternoon. There is also a swimming pool at the hotel, which is good, as I wouldn’t advise swimming in Morecombe Bay because of the quicksand! The April course runs from the 10th-14th April and costs £448 for the week.
One thing I am looking forward to this week is a trip to Manchester to go to my friend Keith Hutson’s book launch. He’s reading with Helen Mort, Carole Bromley and Mark Pajak, so that will be a great night! The reading is taking place at Waterstones on Deansgate. More information here
This week’s Sunday Poem is by Alison Brackenbury – a great poet whose ninth collection Skies has just been published by Carcanet. I managed to get hold of a copy of Alison’s book when I was down at Swindon Poetry Festival recently and I’ve really enjoyed it. The poetry in the book is beautifully crafted and many of the poems, if not most, have intricate rhyme schemes which both draw out meaning, and hold the poems together.
The poem explores the unexpected arrival of a letter from an ‘old lover’ (quoted from the back of the collection). It’s unexpected, but I wouldn’t say, unwelcome. Let’s be honest here, there are some ex-partners you really don’t want to get a letter from after thirty years, but this poem is a tender exploration of the past, full of acceptance, not bitterness.
Alison’s poems, all the way through the book are full of strong images. She has a number of short, four-line poems, which are really imagistic, and kudos to Carcanet for giving them a full page and the space they deserve. There is even a two-line poem in the collection, which I can’t resist quoting to show you what I mean, about her talent with this imagistic writing. It’s called ‘November Began’
And the fieldfares blew
over the hedgetops, like grey leaves.
Isn’t that beautiful?
I think it takes confidence to pull something like that off. And in the poem I’ve chosen as the Sunday Poem ‘January 7th’ there are images that stay in your mind as well, because they are perfectly observed: ‘My cycle coat blows on the line’ and ‘The old cat paws the door’.
There is also mystery in this poem – we don’t know what happened to the child that the speaker cries for in the third stanza, and in the fourth stanza we read ‘But now my child is married/the ones who fought me, dead,’. There are whole other stories behind these two lines that are dropped into the poem that left me wanting to know more.
And of course, there is something unbelievably sad in admitting that you will not a person again, a person that you shared history with. This is a complicated poem. This is a choice the speaker makes, to not see this person again, and yet the last line, with the image of the night turning to rain, is a great portrayal of sadness or regret without referring to the abstract words.
Alison Brackenbury was born in Lincolnshire but has lived in Gloucestershire for the last forty years. She has won an Eric Gregory Award and a Cholmondeley Award. Previous books include Then (published in 2013), Singing in the Dark (published in 2008) and you can find out more about her other 7 collections (7!) over at her website www.alisonbrackenbury.co.uk
If you’d like to order Alison’s book, you can buy it over at the Carcanet website.
Thanks to Alison for letting me use her poem this week! I’m spending this week choosing the next set of Sunday Poems – always a fun, if time-consuming job.
January 7th – Alison Brackenbury
There is a low glare in the sky
sweeps to a rainy night.
The planet’s wrong, the house unsold,
and, after thirty years, you write.
My cycle coat blows on the line.
The old cat paws at the door.
I tell you I am badger grey,
but wiser than before.
I do not tell you that I cried
since it was not for you
but for a child, since they break hearts
as no mere man can do.
But now my child is married,
the ones who fought me, dead,
and I am moved by your hands’ grace
besides my clumsy head
although I cannot see you
and will not again.
My yellow coat flies like a flag.
The long night turns to rain.